Rogue Finals Test Wreaking Havoc in Small Town
Written by Jonah Librande, Former Student on Sunday, January 24, 2016
This article is satirical.
School officials are scrambling to contain a rogue final exam that was released from containment before its scheduled days of freedom during January 27 and 28.
“He’s a devious little scamp,” said Crumshaw Flintfoot, a greasy man in overalls from Louisiana hired by the district to re-contain the exam. “He snuck in a freshman’s house and licked all of his spoons. Real nasty.”
The district has since issued an “HM," or “High Mischief," warning.
The test, a particularly devious pre-calculus final, was first discovered when a farmer grew suspicious after his cows had five stillborn calves in two days. Suspecting supernatural meddling, he burned a mixture of cloves, wheat, and nutmeg on an iron altar to summon an ancestor spirit, who marked Snohomish High School as the root cause of the maladies.
The district has warned citizens to be constantly on the lookout for signs of the test’s presence. They include milk prematurely souring, socks disappearing in the washing machine, and town wells suddenly going dry.
Officials are currently looking to contain the test by forging a ribbon imbued with “mystic power” that may be used to bind it to the earth. They are currently looking for the components, which include the beard of a woman, the roots of a mountain, and the breath of a fish, among other things.
The proposed ribbon would hold the test until Ragnarök, when the Deceiver Loki and his foul spawn free themselves from their fetters and slay mighty Odin. Because of this, the SHS math department has voiced complaints, as the math teachers still need the test for finals.
