Member of SHS English department hospitalized over break
Written by Jonah Librande, Former Student on Monday, January 4, 2016
This article is a satire piece.
Paramedics were called over break to the home of an SHS staff member who was found to be suffering from a case of miner’s lung. The cause is suspected to be the four hundred pounds of finely powdered coal dust that was found crudely dumped on top of her Christmas stocking near her fireplace, as she was apparently "naughty."
“We see this all the time,” said Holly Randolph, member of the Snohomish Police Department’s FCU, or Festive Crimes Unit. “Some hotshots think they don’t have to respect the Christmas spirit, but all they do is tick off the Big Guy. Listen, I’m not sayin’ it’s her fault, but I’m saying that we’re only a small-town police department and we can’t be off fighting dragons when we’re understaffed; the teacher knew what they were risking with their behavior.”
Randolph refused to disclose what the behavior was, but did reference the “Den of Hate.”
Upon arriving at the North Pole, the staff reporter was brought to a back room of some kind where an imposing figure gnawed on a candy cane in a manner very similar to how someone would use- you know what, never mind, he was just gnawing on a candy cane.
“Grinches get pinches, and Scrooges are stooges that develop pneumoconiosis,” said Santa Claus, local kingpin. “The teacher was a Scrooge, if you catch my drift. Simple as that. I wouldn’t have known about it if her students hadn’t told me what she had done. Why don’t you talk to them?”
Many students were hard to get a hold of over break, but one of them had no friends, no plans, and was willing to talk.
“It doesn’t really surprise me at all that the Big Man got to her,” said SHS sophomore Ezra Andersun. “There’s only one reason that he could’ve done it. I mean, I had like, twenty, thirty minutes worth of homework from Health when she assigned The Little Engine That Could back in November. I mean, is there no goodness in her soul? Assigning a book in English class, of all places? I remember thinking to myself, God is dead, and my English teacher has killed Him.”
By phone, Santa Claus confirmed the cause of the attack.
“Some things just aren’t acceptable in today’s society,” said Claus. “Three days isn’t enough to read a book. They needed more time; what if a TV special or something came on? She was on the naughty list the second she spoke, and one way or another, she was getting that coal.”
When asked for comment, the teacher expressed a desire to remain anonymous, saying “Kadjkrghsdlgbdasjlgkbsdjg,” as she had a stoma, and those are hard to speak through.
