SHS students astounded at hidden knowledge found in Health class
Written by Jonah Librande, Former Student on Wednesday, September 30, 2015
This article is satire.
SHS sophomores have recently expressed amazement following the unit on reproduction in their Health class.
SHS sophomore Erza Andersun, who has Health fourth period, spent all of fifth and sixth period sitting in a daze at his desk upon learning where, exactly, infants came from.
“This is incredible,” said Andersun in an informal interview conducted during his Biology class. “I always trusted my mother when she said babies came from the Department of Homeland Security, and that they were engineered to be so American that their DNA was made from apple pie. I thought that’s why terrorism doesn’t exist anymore.”
State Board of Education chair Willie Pthatic noted this is a common problem across the state, with common responses to the knowledge that a single drop of alcohol can cause teenage pregnancy including foaming at the mouth, speaking in tongues, and mild comas. Pthatic speculated that this is due to the low exposure good boys and girls have to “the devil’s knowledge.”
“Our wholesome students understand to always listen to their elders and leave certain issues untouched,” said Pthatic. “This is a good show of filial piety, sure, but this denies our children the tempering against the foul deceits of adulthood. How can they resist the Unspeakable One’s dark power if they do not even understand that regular checkups with a doctor are necessary for a heathy life? We may be sacrificing these kids’ innocence, but by God, it’s worth it for the good of mankind!”
Pthatic crossed himself repeatedly throughout the conversation, and offered holy water to the reporter to “wash the sins off [their] ears”.
“My only regret is that we can’t do it any later,” Pthatic added. “It’s too dangerous doing it this early. That’s why we had to stop the D.A.R.E. program. The kids couldn’t handle it. I haven’t seen so many elementary schoolers in a morgue since my fifth grade field trip.”
