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PARCC: An Alien Conspiracy

Rachel Ziegler, Opinion Editer

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Ah, spring. What’s not to like about it? Spring break, sunny days, and standardized testing.  Wonderful, isn’t it? Well, I’m quite sorry to rain on your parade (it’s probably raining anyway), but PARCC tests are just another staple of spring. Just like bugs and mud. But is there something more to PARCC? Let’s further explore the possibility that there is, lying right under our easily fooled noses, a massive conspiracy. What is the point of this test? The questions, while somewhat entertainingly easy, are worded oddly. What could have prompted this? Not only are the tests worded in an extremely confusing manner, perhaps by someone who does not understand the inner workings of our language yet, but the time limit for the test is so absurdly long that I can’t help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, the creators don’t know how we think yet. There is only one explanation for this. The PARCC tests are designed by aliens and distributed via mind control and undercover agents. These tests are used to help aliens learn how humans function.

“That’s crazy,” you might say. I can already hear it. “Aliens don’t-” But what if they do? What if you sit in a chair for three hours to aid an alien invasion? Imagine how stupid we would look if it turned out we were feeding crucial information to the enemy. Still don’t believe me? Look at the glaring evidence. Does the PARCC test have clearly written questions, as most other standardized tests? No, it does not. Not only this, but the PARCC tests have also ignored our repeated complaints that their questions are written poorly. There is only one logical explanation for such blatant indifference: alien intervention. Aliens, while intelligent, don’t have enough experience with English to craft properly written problems. This also means they can’t read through and score the tests in a timely manner. Have you ever wondered why it takes over a year to get the results of one test back when the ISATS, clearly made by a gang of super-intelligent hamsters plotting to take over the world, take only a few months?

Where have these PARCC tests come from? Who’s in on the aliens? That, my dear reader, is a question that needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Upon opening up the PARCC testing homepage, https://parcc.pearson.com/, we can see that the “A” is emphasized in the logo. A coincidence? I think not. This is clearly subliminal messaging, perhaps a clue as to the true nature of our supposed PARCC administration. Next, we look at the company, Pearson. Sound familiar? Your mild-mannered textbook company is, in fact, in league with aliens. How far up the corporate ladder do you have to go in order to find the aliens? On Thursday, April six
th, 2017, Pearson publishing’s stock dropped 6.7%. Here we can see that someone, a masked savior, has realized the atrocities of Pearson. Their strategy is clearly to lower the price of the stock to the point where Pearson can’t make any money off of it, then watch as they fall into irreparable economic despair. But who is this savior, and how did they manage to find out about the aliens? There is an obvious explanation for this, and it is the McGraw Hill textbook company. Sound familiar? McGraw Hill makes most of District 203’s math textbooks. McGraw Hill has clearly caught on to the Pearson plot and is now deploying its many minions in a valiant attempt to usurp the aliens from their throne of conspiracy. How did McGraw Hill do it? It is almost impossible to see the conspiracy unless you have actually taken the test. McGraw Hill has noticed a mathematical discrepancy. If you add the corresponding numbers for the letters together, then find the only two factors that aren’t 87 and one, you will find that it results in the number 32. The average human skull has 32 teeth. This name was a symbol of Pearson’s research, a source of great pride. McGraw Hill clearly picked up on this, and that is how they discovered the plot.

Now that you have sufficient evidence to come to the conclusion that PARCC is the work of devilishly plotting aliens, what should you do about it? Tell people. Spread the word. If enough people learn of it, the aliens might get scared and leave us be. This is the only solution to avoid alien invasion. If we don’t act soon, it may be too late.

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The student news site of Kennedy Jr. High School
PARCC: An Alien Conspiracy